But First, You Need To Learn To Fall/Fail
In 2012, I lived in Norway for a few months and I did a lot of indoor climbing. One of the first things that they had us do was to climb up a few holds and then jump into the rope – with someone belaying us.
I don’t remember the details or how long exactly this took me, but it felt like an eternity before I jumped/let go.
But that’s all I needed to get familiar with falling/“failing” at a climb. Only – you never think about it as a failure. You are scared to fall, but then you go right back up.
In fact, falling became fun, knowing that someone was always there to secure you and you would never actually fall for metres to the floor. It stretched my familiar zone (which in this case really WAS a comfort zone, too).
Then, about two years ago, I started bouldering in Canberra. You would think it is pretty similar – it’s also climbing up walls. But you don’t wear a harness and nobody really catches you if you fall. (That said – it’s actually super rare to fall – it’s fascinating to experience what your body is capable of at the face of fear!)
In the intro course, we did the same thing as in the climbing intro. Climb up and jump down.
But this is exactly why I never really “dared” bouldering after having been rock climbing. The fact that nobody would belay me scared the bejesus out of me.
And so, I climbed up only a few holds and let go. And even though the jump was barely any high – I was so scared. (Until this day – and I have been bouldering nearly weekly ever since – I have immense respect from falling.)
But this wasn’t enough for the teacher.
We walked over to another part of the facility to find a climb with an overhang. This time we were climbing up and then actually hanging with our feet a metre or more above the ground. You think I jumped?
Well, I held on for as long as I could.
My whole body was screaming, “don’t do it!”. I was so scared.
In the end, I had to drop because I could no longer hold on.
And guess what. I was totally fine.
Today, I sometimes jump from an overhang like a monkey. But other times, oh boy, I feel the fear creep up my whole body. I can still be very scared to fall and hurt myself.
But here is the thing.
When you go bouldering or rock climbing, you first learn to fall.
This is not celebrated enough in life.
But in real life, we don’t learn to fall. In school, you don’t learn to make mistakes in order to pick yourself up. Instead, we learn to get things right and get frowned at when we get things wrong.
We learn to be afraid of “failure” and “mistakes'“.
We put so much emphasis on successes and wins and good fantastic grades, and raises, and medals, and having everything in your life figured out by the time you are 28 (or something like that).
But no.
That’s not life.
This just leads to us comparing ourselves with others on social media.
But that’s not even true either. We compare their highlight reel with how we feel.
We think that our “failures” say something about us. But really they just say something about our circumstances, skills, uncontrollable external factors, and more.
But they don’t make you any more or less worthy of anything. Because your worth is limitless.
Collect failures
I recently have been coming more frequently across the idea to collect “no”s, to collect rejections and to collect failures.
Why?
The idea is not to harden your heart and despair, but rather to see that when you get any of those, you are still okay.
Nothing was ever a failure until a human called it that.
You see, life is just that. It’s a collection of ups and downs and the more you learn to remain stable and equanimous within yourself, the better and more peaceful life will be.
Stop playing safe
Another thing I have come across is this idea: When you don’t fail, you haven’t played big enough.
“If you don’t have a vulnerability hangover the next day, you weren’t vulnerable enough”
— Brené Brown
If you didn’t fail at many things in life, how many things did you really try? How much did you enjoy and taste this one delicious opportunity called life?
How big did you really dream when everything you did to get there was smooth or slightly bumpy sailing?
What if failures were actually a fun and positive thing? Because that’s what they are – or at least can be.
We learn best from our mistakes.
Take a baby (for example – just as a thought, not for real. I mean it. Put.the.baby.down.): the beauty of babies and small children learning so fast is that they are not attached to the idea of failure or fearing that they will no longer be liked if they get it wrong – they learn that later. If a baby stopped trying to learn to walk the first time it bumps on its cute little diaper-wrapped bum – that would be ridiculous, am I right? Why is that? Babies (and small children) don’t have a sense of self and they so they don’t associate Something Not Working Out with Failure Which Could Define Them.
It’s simply part of life
Failure and falling is part of the life experience. It is normal and natural and it can be fun.
How would your life look differently if you didn’t see “failures” or “mistakes” as “failures” or “mistakes” but simply part of the bigger picture – without any judgment? If everyone saw them in this way, how much courageous would you be? How much more would you dare? How much more would you speak and live your truth?
When I talk to my coaching clients about their achievements, I also talk to them about their struggles.
Because they have learned from those struggles, they have taken wisdom from them, they have overcome, survived and become stronger because of them.
Remember, we only grow outside our familiar zone.
Your struggles help you develop and grow, while also making your achievements even greater.
Your struggles can be your biggest teachers. And they don’t say anything about you or your worth.
Next time you make a list of your achievements at the end of the quarter or year – write down your struggles on the same list.
A few months ago, I joined a movement studio
There are a number of reasons why I joined this studio and two of them are 1) fear (especially the handstand class) and 2) daring to get things wrong (in complicated movement classes).
I realised that I wanted to face these things on purpose to stretch my comfort zone, to stretch my capacity of feeling different kinds of feelings and to let go of being so darn self-conscious. And it’s still a work in progress.
But that’s the beauty of life. It’s always a work in progress.
Peel back the layer of wanting to get everything perfect. It is so, so freeing.
Learn to fail and be okay with it and see that life is still going onward.
And perhaps, on the way, stop calling it “failure” and instead start to call it “life”.
This is also why coaching is so wonderful – within a safe space where you are witnessed and held and seen, you get to try out new things, fail and fail again, stretch your familiar zone or simply try out something new that seems a little scary. With a coach right with you, it seems less scary because it’s part of your evolution.
PS. Whenever you’re ready…
If you want to get clearer on your purpose, learn to love yourself, find the courage to step into your vision and make a difference in the world – let’s have a powerful non-binding conversation! I know you are here for a reason and I’d love to support you further. My support looks like this: You talk. You tell me about your dreams and your struggles. I listen. We play. Your life changes.
I’ve seen it time and time again. I’m ready when you are.
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